#got fucked in the car on the way home from date night bc i looked this good 😩😮‍💨 hehehehe

[dilanisfruity]

dom!yelena belova thoughts

a/n: i actually don't know if these count as imagines so im just calling them thoughts! apologies to my angels who were looking forward to the billie fic but i promise it'll be out soon! this is just a super super short post bc im trying to write actual fics and struggling so bad with being overly critical of my writing :( i get kinda freaked out about how people will perceive my writing so ive just been too anxious to actually write but i had the motivation to do some little blurbs ab yelena bc she was on my mind so here u go! (i also might edit this in the morning and add more if anyone likes this)

warnings: sexual content, alludes to smut, men and minors DNI!

—> dom!yelena who notices you staring at her during missions and teases you for it afterwards, going on and on about how badly you must need her to be getting so distracted during an important mission, your cheeks flushing in embarrassment at her words.

—> dom!yelena who takes you to your shared bedroom after you get back and fucks you til you're screaming her name, letting everyone in the compound know who's making you feel so good

—> dom!yelena who notices when you're wearing new clothes and after complimenting you on how good you look in them, wastes no time in taking them off of you

—> dom!yelena who wears a strap under her sweatpants around the compound and doesn't tell you, letting you find out on your own when she walks up behind you in the kitchen and presses her body against yours. "hey baby" spoken under her breath as she wraps her arms around your waist and tucks her head in your shoulder, leaving soft kisses on your neck.

—> dom!yelena who occasionally lets you try to be in charge in the bedroom but quickly steps in to guide your hips and talk you through it when you get too fucked out while riding her strap, your motions starting to stutter as the pleasure inside you builds

—> dom!yelena who struggles to hold back her laughter as she watches you try to convince the team that the marks on your neck are actually from someone hitting you with their "burning weapon" in the last mission, and "not from anything sexual or anything like that" (yelena of course had left those marks the night before, knowing you'd struggle to cover it up, making sure everyone would know you're taken)

—> dom!yelena who also shows her dominance in non-sexual ways, always keeping an arm wrapped around your waist or a hand in yours, reminding you that she's there and she's got you. she is also a stickler for silly things like making sure she's always on the side that's closest to the road when you're walking on a sidewalk, and never letting you get the car door for yourself when you're with her. only the best treatment for her perfect girl ;)

—> dom!yelena who buys you flowers every week and makes sure you get in a real date at least every other week. she knows that sometimes there's just nothing you need more than a date where she takes you for a real nice dinner and then fucks you til you're a babbling mess when you get home, carefully cleaning you off afterwards and holding you until you fall asleep.

—> dom!yelena who gets needy for you at a gala the team was forced to attend to make them seem "more involved in current issues and more charitable to those in need". the team was supposed to be focused on being social and making connections to better their public image, but you were the only thing on yelena's mind from the moment she saw you in your dress for the event. despite her attempts to distract herself and shift her focus to be on socializing, her thoughts always went back to how perfect you looked. your hair beautifully styled and your face adorned with smoky makeup, complimenting the floor-length red dress you wore that showed off your 4-inch heels with a slit going up to your mid thigh (the slit was driving her crazy of course). yelena had never been more relieved than she was the moment that your manager told the team you guys could head out, hurriedly taking your hand and leaving the venue to go straight back to the compound so she could finally get her hands (and her lips) on you.

[cxrsed-angel]

Booty Call|Javier Peña x Fem! Reader (smut)

gifs by @/jdmorganz

Summary: Javier calls for a booty call and of course you cant say no, even its the first time he’s coming over to your place.

W.C: 3k

Warnings: Couch sex, Oral (F!reciving), Fingering, Pet/nicknames. p in v (safe/use of condoms). Drinking and smoking (ofc bc its javier). Reader and Javier are sort of in friends with benefits situation.

A/N: This is a loose pt 2 for my Never Have I Ever fic. This was part of the prompt for @/yxtkiwiyxt ’s never have I ever challenge i got both a sfw and not nsfw the sfw one was done first but its Javier Peña I counldnt not do a nsfw so here it is :) (not counting it for the challenge since I already posted one just wanted to post it)

You’re laying on your couch, aimlessly watching the TV, not really paying attention to it, having it on for background noise. You're just enjoying the rarity of not having to do anything. You had gotten home almost 2 hours later than usual after your boss had asked (forcefully suggested) you to stay late, and then getting caught in traffic was the cherry on top. 

But now, you can finally unwind from the week's stress and enjoy your Friday night alone. Yeah, you did enjoy leaving the house, joining your friends at whatever club they chose, and spending the night drinking and dancing. But you also enjoyed being a hermit and spending the weekend alone in your apartment. Watching your favorite shows for the millionth time, catching up on your current book, and working your way through the wine bottles you've been gifted from holiday parties. And this weekend was the latter.

You hear your phone ringing next to you on the couch. You grab it off the coffee table, turn the TV down as you answer it, and hold your phone to your ear.

“Hello?” you answer, mildly annoyed that you've been disturbed. You were hoping it wasn't an emergency so you can get back to your doing nothing. 

“Hey, sweetheart, are you busy?” Javier’s deep voice comes through the speaker, immediately catching your attention. You sit up a bit, cursing the way he has your stomach fluttering with nerves just with his voice alone. 

You had met Javier at a bar after you sent a whiskey to his table, after much persuasion from your friends, which led to you making out in the back of the bar near the bathrooms, which then led to you, probably against your better judgment, going home with him and having him fuck you. He was definitely the best guy you've been with, and you doubt there will be anyone better.

Since that night, you’ve met with him a few times. Sometimes, it's to have a drink or get food, and then you end the night in his bed. It was always in his bed, at his apartment, or the back of his car if you couldn't wait. 

“For you, Javi? Never?” you tease, but you know deep down it's true.

He laughs at your response, making you feel butterflies. You hated how he made you feel like giddy with a crush. ”I feel special. Can I see you now?” He asks in his sexy voice that has you already saying yes.

“Sure. Where do you wanna meet up, that bar we went to last week or-”

“Actually, I was thinking about coming to you?” You pause when you hear his suggestion, knowing that it could only mean one thing for Javier, and it wasn't to watch the dumb reality TV show you had. You pause for a bit. Before remembering, you have to reply 

“Oh, um…sure Javi, you can come over.” You reply trying not to sound as flustered and nervous as you feel. Trying to rack your brain if Javier has ever even been to your place before. 

“See you in 15.” 

You hang up, looking around your apartment, seeing it’s moderately clean. You sit up off your couch. You haven’t ever had a booty call before. But Javi was Javi. And sure you've been seeing him for a few weeks ever since you met him at a bar, and you've been hooking up with him ever since, but it was always after your date, not a late-night hookup booty call. 

You pause thinking because, youve never really done the whole booty call situation before, you’ve hooked up with a guy but it was usually after a date and it usually mediorce sex, not enough to warrant a second time and definitely not enough for you to call the guy just for sex. But Javier wasn't like most guys, and you hate to admit it, you never would to his face. (The last thing he needs is a bigger ego) But he knows how to fuck. He knows exactly how to hold and touch you. You know you won’t be disappointed. 

You're waiting on your couch, unsure what to do while you wait for your so called friend with benefits to come over to fuck you. Should you make food, or set something out to eat, should you just strip naked and wait in your bed? Get right to it? Fuck. 

A few minutes of over thinking has passed and you hear him knock on you door, you open it and immediately his hands are on your waist as he soon as sees you, your met with whatever cologne makes him smile like vanilla and tobacco with a mix of cigarettes. Placing his lips on you eagerly. You grip his black leather jacket, pulling him closer to you. You make an attempt to close the door behind you with your foot but fail almost embarrassingly. Javier reaches above you, closing the door with his hand, pushing your back against it without breaking the kiss, feeling his tongue in your mouth causes a moan to slip out.

“So did someone cancel on you?” You pull your lips away from his, breathless, but he kisses down your neck. You knew he had his choice of women, probably plenty of other women, so you were confused about why he chose you. You assume that a last minute booty call canceled and he's was closest to you. Still needed to get his dick wet.

“What do you mean Cariño?” He looks confused but still presses his lips against your neck as his hands run up your body, leading you to your couch. You sit with him. His hand goes down to your thigh, rubbing along your skin, showing in your house shorts, still kissing your neck.

“I mean, I know you… I know you know a lot of girls. It's not a secret you get around Javi. " He pulls away to look at you, finally getting your point. 

“I wanted to see you, is that so hard to believe?” He looks at you with those brown eyes that make you melt, rubbing your back as you just sit there, unsure of what to say. He speaks again, breaking the silence,

“Why do you assume that I don’t want you.” He asks, his voice getting lower and deeper, turning you on more as his hand rubs up your thigh, making you shudder. You look down, staring at the silver watch on his wrist, before looking back up at him.

You are hesitant, a bit embarrassed, and you shrug. Not really sure if want to confess that you don't usually have guys over, and you don't really have guys over just for sex or a "booty call.” as the kids say. You decide against it, choosing to stay quiet.

Javier looks at you briefly before slowly grabbing your chin,kissing you. Probably to shut you up but the taste of cigarettes and beer, makes you melt against like always.

He pulls away, looking at you, but his hands never leave their place. 

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks slowly. You shake your head no. 

“Do you want me to fuck you?” He asks, leaning closer to you like he already knows the answer. You nod, shaking your head yes.

“Please fuck me, Javi,” you whimper against his lip, leaning close. He kisses you again, hungrily, slipping his tongue into your mouth, you taste the familiar taste of his cigarettes you’ve grown to love. He gently pushes you against your couch, on your back. Your hands go to his hair, pulling you as close as possible. You feel his hand go to the waistband of your shorts, pulling them down, moving away from your lips to take them off your legs, tossing them onto the carpet of your living room floor.

You hear him laugh a bit, making you sit up. His hand rubs along your thighs, looking at your underwear. You look too suddenly, remembering you’re currently wearing pinky boy shorts underwear with yellow cartoon ducks on them, arguably the least sexy pair you own. You laugh, covering your face. You feel Javi messing with their waistband, smiling. You look up confused.

“These are real cute underwear cariño.” he smiles a laugh coming through his words teasing you about the cartoony fabric before leaning down kissing the skin under your belly button so close to where you’re craving him. 

“I wasn’t expecting you, okay? Sorry, they're not red lacy thongs and thin g strings you're accustomed to.” you justify, slightly jabbing at his numerous sex encounters, a bit breathless as you feel his finger ghost along your core through the fabric, obviously apparent how wet you are from him. 

He rubs his hand along your knees as he laughs again, clearly enjoying teasing you. Javier pulls the ducky boxer shorts underwear down your legs slowly, pressing a soft kiss to your calf as you lift your legs out of them.

“I am not complaining. I don't mind the ducks.” he tosses them down, adding to the article of clothes piling up on your living room floor before pressing another kiss to your inner thigh. He runs a hand up you thighs.

"Pigs, cows, horses, could wear the whole damn farm Sweetheart, doesnt matter to me, only care about whats underneath.” You roll your eyes, never failing to take the chance to be an asshole. You watch as he smirks, laughing a bit. You letout a small laugh too but its cut off with a moan, when you feel him suck on your wet pussy, you close your eyes your finger grab onto his brown locks, as he continues feeling his tongue flicking on your pussy. 

“Fuck….” You moan, bucking your hips up, shamelessly grinding against his tongue, feeling his nose graze against your clit as he continues eating you out. You feel his large hands grab your thighs, spreading your legs open and keeping them there as he continues moving his tongue along your folds. You lean back against your couch, moving your hips up, basically grinding against his lips. Breathless moans come out your lips as he continues eating you out. You feel your wetness dripping down onto the brown leather.

"Javi…javi…" You cry out his name as one of your hands goes to his hair, your thighs close, but like earlier, javi presses your legs apart. He comes up from between your legs, replacing his tongue with the thumb rubbing your clit.

"You're close?….wanna cum?" He asks, obviously knowing you were, smirking like the asshole he is. You nod repeatedly, about to say yes, but it's swallowed by a moan as he slides his pointer and index finger inside your wet pussy fucking you with his fingers.

"I can tell. can feel you're squeezing around my fingers." he curls his fingers up, moving them.

"Such a pretty little pussy, muy preciosa cariño." he whispers, kissing your neck as he finger fucks you.

The sounds in the obscene mixture of your wetness from Javier's fingers, your moans, and Javier's dirty talk make your apartment sound like a scene straight out of a porno.

"Please, javi…" you beg as your toes curl from his fingers. He nods, looking down at you with those pretty brown eyes and a condescending smirk as he finger fucks you.

"Wanna cum on my fingers or my tongue, sweetheart?" Javier asks as he continues moving his fingers in and out.

"Tongue…tongue, please.." he gives a slight smirk before disappearing between your legs, flicking his tongue across your clit. Your moans grow louder.

You feel yourself cumming on his tongue, moves sucking on your clit, making you whimper under him. 

"You taste so good." He removes his tongue to compliment you, he goes to return when you gently hold his head preventing him to going back between your thighs. You couldn't handle it anymore. You needed his dick inside you 30 seconds ago.

"I need you to fuck me, please, Javi." You beg, making him stop. You watch as he slowly puts his fingers into his lips, tasting you,

He moves his arm away from between your thighs as you lay on your couch, breathing deeply. You watch as he unbutton his pink shirt. You sit up, helping him quickly shove it off his shoulders, then impatiently move to unbuckle his belt, pulling it through the belt loops just as fast, unzipping his pants. 

“Jesus, sweetheart, impatient, huh?” He chuckles, teasing as he moves, kicking his pants off. You expect to be met with some sort of underwear, boxer, or something. Not his bare hard cock and the hair at the base of his dick as he leans over you. You freeze a bit, trying to think of the previous times you've slept with him and if he had underwear. You think, realizing this man rarely ever wears underwear and just has his dick out under his tight ass jeans.

“Do you ever wear underwear?” he lets out a small chuckle as he gently moves you lying back onto the couch, lifting your shirt, taking it off, and slowly groping your bare tits. 

"Have some cow boxers for me to wear, huh, ducky?" He teases you again, and you can tell he's never going to let this go. His hands reach under your waist, grabbing your ass and pulling you into a kiss again for a few minutes before pulling away. He gets off your couch, reaches for his blue denim jeans, grabs his black wallet, and pulls out a gold-packaged condom. You watch as he slides the condom onto his big hard cock. Then he returns back to you on your couch, waiting for him.

You feel him ontop of you slowly inserting himself inside your pussy, still wet from your previous orgasm, he grips onto you your waist as slowly slides all the way feeling his thick cock deep inside you, making you both moan. Your head goes over the arm sides of your couch, leaning back as you feel Javi's cock move in and out of your wet core. Your moans grow louder as he fucks you deeper. Remembering why you answered his calls. He never fails to fuck you so deep you can feel it in your stomach and between your legs the neck day.

"Fuck… You feel so fucking good.”His head goes into the crook of your neck, letting out a deep groan. His cock stretches you out, and you feel your walls clench around him. Digging your nails into his shoulders as he fucks you harder. He turns his head, moving out from his neck, and his lips collide with yours, silencing your growing moans. He stops kissing you but stays close, pressing the bridge of his nose against your cheek.

"More… please." you beg turning your head to face him better, javi nods not saying just thrusting faster. You feel his hand reach under your waist, pulling you closer to him, grabbing the back of your leg gently lifting your leg up over the back of your leather couch. The angle lets him fuck you deeper, laying ontop of you. Your moans grow as he thrusts deeper and deeper, making your eyes roll back.

"Yes! Javi.. so close. So close…." You moan, grabbing onto his shoulders, digging your nails into his broad back, scratching it down a little.

"Come on, baby. Wanna feel you cum on my cock. Can feel you clenching around me, fuck. Wanna see you cum." His hands reach between your bodies, rubbing your clit, making you reach your climax and making your back arch, seeing stars as you cum on his cock. Javier is close soon after, Emptying himself inside you. He lays his head onto your shoulder as you hold his head. He kisses your chin, then moves to your lips and lazily presses a kiss to your collar before slowly sliding out of your pussy, causing you both to let out a moan.

You both lay on against the brown leather, breathless, he lays his head against your chest kissing it one last time. You lay there together for a few minutes before Javi pulls himself out of you, standing to take the condom off, tying and tossing it in your trash. You watch as he grabs his pack of cigarettes and lighter from the back of his jeans. Placing a cigarette between his lips as he joins you back on the couch, but before he can light it, you sit up a bit. 

"Uh huh, go open a window or 2." Javier rolls his eyes at your demand but follows it regardless. You watch as he stands up, and walks over to the window in your living room, opening 2 windows, still bed ass naked. 

"Go ahead and flash my neighbors, too, while you're at it.." You tease as you grab the reason for your embarrassment earlier, the white duck underwear, putting them on but remaining shirtless as you watch him. 

He lets out a laugh and goes over to the couch, joining you. He picks up your legs and moves them to rest on his lap, gently massaging your feet and calves. "You have curtains… no one is flashing anyone ducky." He responds, smirking and smoking his cigarette afterward. You roll your eyes at him, but the feeling of him rubbing your calf turns you on, the same as all the other times he touches you.

"You're not gonna start calling me that." you protest, shaking your head. You sit next to him, enjoying the feeling of his on your legs for a moment until you move your legs off him to stand up off the couch. 

You stand up, leaving to use your bathroom. After a few minutes, you come back, walking to your living room, turning towards your kitchen. You see Javier's back facing you, his broad back on full display as he looks in your fridge, clearly looking for something. It takes you a minute before looking down and see he's still naked. You take advantage of how good his ass looks, allowing yourself to stare at it before reason comes in, grossing you out a bit. Remembering how he is standing with his dick out in the place where you prepare your food.

"Do you have anything besides wine?" He asks, clearly unhappy with your limited selection of alcohol. "No whiskey or a beer, even ducky?" 

"Can you maybe put your pants on when you're in my kitchen? And no, Javi, I don't drink whiskey or beer. It's wine, water, or nothing." you say then go back to sit on your couch. Javi goes over to the living room, picks his jeans off the floor, and puts them on. His cigarette still hanging between his lips. You watch, feeling disappointed, settle in as he grabs his shirt and puts it on. You assume he's leaving but you don't make a big deal, you've known how Javi his. You try to look nonchalant as you reach out to your coffee table, pouring another glass of the red you were drinking before he came.

"Leaving already?" you ask, not gazing up from the glass, but you can see his form putting on his black leather jacket out of the corner of your eye. Asking a bit coldly, trying not to show any emotion.

"Going to the corner store down the street and getting some whiskey. Wine isn't really my drink choice." He says as he finishes putting on his black leather jacket and puts on his shoes. You watch as he removes the cigarette walking over you. He leans down, holding your face to kiss you. The kiss lasts for a few minutes before he stops. 

"I'll be back, ducky. Relax," He winks as he tells you. Again, calling you ducky, you can tell it was gonna stick. Walking over to your apartment door, leaving your apartment. You get up shortly after locking your door. Fucking a DEA agent, you can't be too careful.

You return to your living room but look out the window, seeing Javi walking down the street toward the 24-hour liquor store. You smile a bit before sitting back on your couch, sipping the red. You can't help but think of him and the new nickname you had earned tonight: Ducky. You can already tell it is going to stick. 

Ofc I had to include this gif lets see if tumblr allows it 🙂‍↕️

tags: @joelmillerisapunk @baronessvonglitter

[tojjist]

♯♯ birthday special - t. fushiguro

a/n: i didn't do anything for the holiday season bc i barely had time :( but i still wanted to do summ for his birthday soo.

warnings: like one cuss. completely fulff. not proof read! sunshine x grumpy

toji fushiguro hates you. toji fushiguro despises you for all you are; kind, loving, sweet, and damn perfect.

it’s almost insulting to him, really. the way you mock him with your soft little smile, patronizing him with your kindness.

he hated how complicated you are. he could never understand your motives. why would you treat him like that? knowing where he came from and what his past looked like. why do you stick around when he offers next to nothing? he couldn’t find any proof of an ulterior motive yet he couldn’t accept the simple reality of you actually wanting to be around him.

but toji hated one thing above all; how you make him feel. he doesn’t get the way his chest clouds and breath tightens whenever your skin comes in contact with his. his tongue goes paralyzed when you smile his way, eyes unmoving from your face when you scoff a small chuckle at whatever dumb shit he said. he can’t even remember what made you laugh but he gets this overwhelming urge to do it again.

he grows vulnerable, craving your touch when you’re not around. he’s soon hyper aware of his attachment to you. but toji is a smart man, and he knows he can’t do anything about the situation he found himself entangled in.

when he’s away, a single hour could feel like a whole eternity. and he can’t wait to be back home. home where you’re waiting. home where he belongs.

it doesn’t take long for him to grow accustomed to the physical proximity of you. the feel of you becomes a soothing balm, gently brushing away all his worries even if only temporarily.

toji fushiguro hates you. he hates how his heart skips a beat whenever his nose picks up on your sweet scent. he hates how the sound of your voice downright puts his entire world on pause, stopping to hear every little word that leaves your lips. from mumbles when you’re half-asleep to your little rants about your day or the new show you’ve been watching.

toji fushiguro hates how he’s capable of so little. he can’t give you the world. he can’t give you the dream life. he can’t give you a luxurious house. he can’t give you fancy dates or decent holiday getaways. heck, sometimes he can’t give you even time.

that’s why he makes sure to spend every minute he could with you, basking in the haven you created for him.

he tells himself he’s doing it all for himself. he says he needs a rest and just keeps you around because it’s easier than ‘looking for another girl’. toji tries to convince himself that it’s temporary, that you’re just willing to stick around and that he’d leave sooner than later. he says he’s selfish and doing it all for himself.

but it’s clear as day when his arms cling to you first thing in the morning, searching for your warmth despite the duvet he had pushed away. it’s obvious in the way he caresses your hair while you pretend to be asleep. occasionally he’d let his lips find the crown of your head, greeting your hair with soft kisses.

toji fushiguro hates you. he hates when you told him that you loved him, in his car on some tuesday night when he took you out for a ride late at night even though he needed to sleep.

toji fushiguro hates how your face lit up when he brought some flowers home with him,mumbling something along the lines of “the vase been empty for too fucking long”. but there was no vase. and he only realized when he got up at night to get some water, spotting the pretty flowers set in a plastic water jug.

toji fushiguro hates his new life. he hates how different he’s become. the hostile menace has become a quiet man, following behind you everywhere you go as if he were your personal gorilla. toji fushiguro hates how much life mattered now. toji fushiguro hates the responsibility he feels.

he says it’s restricting, suffocating even. he clicks his tongue in annoyance when he sees the time. it’s past dinner time and he needs to be home to not keep you waiting. he’s frustrated at himself when he finds you plopped on the couch, face peaceful while you presumably have fallen asleep as you awaited his return. he feels guilt gnawing at him when he sees the food you’ve made, having not eaten so he wouldn’t have dinner alone.

you’re too much for him. and while he’d felt like he owes you at some point, sick of your little favors and stupid sweet words, toji soon realizes this life is his. it was by choice that he let you into his life, slowly rearranging the blocks of his reality. you broke and rebuild, fixing a man who believed he was long beyond repair.

toji fushiguro hates you. toji fushiguro despises you for all you are, kind, loving, sweet, and painfully his.

somewhere along the way toji has accepted all that he feels. falling in love isn’t shameful. he’s become a fool but he thinks it’s worth it long as you’ve the one who’s molded him into this shape.

[thebearer]

some carm + jewelry thoughts after reading your blurb about his dangling chain:

-he buys you a gold anklet with a “c” charm on it so he can watch it dangle when he puts your legs up on his shoulders to fuck you

-he has a signet ring embossed with a design (maybe a bear? st anthony? family crest?) and he turns it so the design is facing inwards and he spanks you so it leaves a brand on your ass

-after the big checks start coming in he buys you an exorbitantly expensive necklace and fucks you with nothing else on

omfggggg smut ahead minors dni 18+ but i have to elaborate

ok number one the anklet???? yes. yes. yes.

you mention wanting one, sorta in passing, and carmen's like weirdly adamant about you getting one lol??? you don't really understand why but he shows up a few days later with one you'd shown him online, except it has an embellishment. a tiny 'c'.

carmen's kinda blushy about it but you're beaming and squealing and just smothering him in affection bc it was so cute and sweet, and he really was too!!

then you quickly realize why carmen likes the anklet so much when he's putting it on you, then your legs are up in the air thirty minutes later as a "thank you".

your heels are digging into his shoulders, and normally his eyes are on you solely when he's fucking you especially like this. but you keep catching him staring at your anklet, fucking you hard, gripping your claves while he watches it bounce lightly.

maybe it's the thought that he has a sorta mark on you now. wherever you go, you've got something that symbolizes your his- that he's yours.

it was his grandfathers, then mikey's, and then his. mikey gave it to him when carmen went to new york because "you're a big shot now. need the ring to match since you're gonna be goin' to all that fancy shit, carm."

the ring was gold with a black onyx surface, a gold encrusted 'B' in old english font laid on top so it stood up. carmen didn't wear it often, didn't want to lose it or damage it, but every now and then- on date night, mainly, he'd wear it.

and you loved it.

the chain, nice outfit, plus pinky ring? you were drooling. watching him grab the door handle, cut your food, hold your hand in the car. you couldn't help yourself. he knew you couldn't either. it's why when you got home, he just nodded and you were over his lap.

carmen would take his time pushing up your dress, letting his hand glide over the small of your back, down your exposed cheeks, smug at the way you shuddered in excitement. he'd turn the ring around so the etched side was inwards, cracking his hand down on your ass over and over.

you'd squirm and mewl, gripping onto his legs or the sheets. carmen would just stare, mesmerized by the faint emblem showing on your skin only for a flash before fading.

the bear had made the chicago tribune after a raving review from a lifestyle travel influencer posted a video on the menu and it went wild. you were booked a year out, a waitlist a mile long, a million newspapers, magazines, and interviewers wanting a chance to write about the bear. it was buzzing around chicago, and carmen couldn't be happier. or busier.

he felt bad that with the newfound press, he'd been busy. you'd always been understanding but still, he felt bad, heart breaking every time your shoulders would fall when he said he had to work.

the two of you had just moved into the brownstone. you spent your days decorating and unboxing, showing him swatches of paint that you'd mull over for hours.

"carm, which one looks better?" you'd ask, turning around to see him standing there. only this time, he wasn't empty handed.

the infamous teal bag in hand, grinning at you proudly. "what's this?"

"a gift." carmen shrugged, pulling you over to the couch, setting you between his thighs.

you hummed, unraveling the tiny box. "you really didn't have to get me- oh my god." you were expecting a tiny piece of jewelry, not the dazzling strand of diamonds that sat on the tennis bracelet.

"carmen." you gaped, snapping the box shut, holding it against your chest. "how-how much was this?"

"doesn't matter." carmen shrugged, prying it gently out of your grasp. "let me put it on you. i wanted to get you somethin'. the restaurant is doin'... great. and ya know, i couldn't do it without you baby."

you pressed him about the price, but carmen waived it off. you knew he'd been making money- your new house and car told you that, but the kind of money to casually get gifts at tiffany's? it was new to you. a splurge still, but one that you treasured.

carmen left the necklace on, hips rolling while he fucked you in front of the fireplace, right on the new rug. he wanted to take a picture of the moment, watching you ride him, your head tipped back, diamonds sparkling still even in the low glow of the fire.

[georgscumdump]

ok so like TOM KAULITZ FLUFF (2007-2008). 😼

not forcing or stressing but maybe if you can do a fanfic where the reader and Tom dated but took a break in like 2007 bc of a toxic relationship and he was having one night stands with women ykyk but then got back together and lived happily ever after

it has to be done...

tom kaulitz x f!reader

genre: everything ig

summary: the req

warnings: mentions of arguing, tom having sex with another girl, more mentions of sex, probably etc.

a/n: my word document subscription expired halfway into writing this so i had to write this on google docs💔 anyways im so happy you guys are sending requests againjhahsgcwgwfcwubjkcwdcgcwugfweufy okay i need to stop

°.✩┈┈∘*┈୨୧┈*∘┈┈✩.°

Being in a relationship with Tom was a pain at times. You both fought constantly, and made up by sex. And it repeated, and repeated. You both don't know it yet but it was slowly killing the both of you.

So, you decided it had to be done.

Walking into the living room where Tom was sitting, minding his own business, you had become slightly hesitant about the whole situation, as you knew it was going to end in another argument. But again, it had to be done.

“Tom?”

“What Y/N.”

“Can we talk?”

“Oh, uh- sure.”

He felt confused, you were never really like this. He didn’t know if he liked it or hated it, but truth be told it was much more preferable than always yelling at each other.

You found it hard to explain how you thought the both of you needed to take a break, but you ended up finding the words. As you explained, he surprisingly wasn’t angry at all- he listened to you for once.

When you finished speaking he nodded his head, and you both confirmed it would be better if the both of you separated for a while. The thought of separating with him came to your mind when you had randomly thought about how he’s going on tour soon, and also you had had a fight earlier that day- so you thought it would be for the best.

*big ass time skip*

°.✩┈┈∘*┈୨୧┈*∘┈┈✩.°

This was the last show of the tour thank god, but you know what that means. Another show, another girl. As he brought another girl back to the hotel, he obviously did what was done on a one night stand, had sex with the girl. But, all he could think of when he was fucking her, was you. His head was filled with you, and only you. He couldn;t get you out of his head- no matter how hard he tried to distract himself from the thought as he was currently having sex with another woman- he couldn’t.

And he did something about it.

In the midst of it, he pulled out. Leaving the girl confused, he stood up and put his clothes on.

“Get out.”

He said blankly, leaving the girl even more confused as she already was.

“What?”

“You heard me, get out.”

She gave him the dirtiest look before getting up, getting dressed and walking towards the door, but before she opened the door she told him

“You're a real asshole, y’know that?”

He was again thinking of you, having flashbacks of the fights between you two.

“Oh my god- just get out!”

He yelled, the girl realized her mistake and quickly made her way out the room. When she closed the door in a rush on her way out, Tom sat on the bed and put his face in his hands.

He missed you.

*another time skip*

°.✩┈┈∘*┈୨୧┈*∘┈┈✩.°

Home sweet home. He wasn’t just happy to be home though, he wanted to see you. As he sat in the car for the long drive home, soon enough he was standing at the front door. When he opened the door, he obviously walked in and closed the door behind him. Looking where you stood in the kitchen, he immediately dropped his bags. You looked over to the door, and you froze. He was home. You immediately stopped what you were doing and started walking over to him. He did the same before you started running to him, jumping on him and clinging onto him tightly. You nearly fell before he grabbed onto you, lifting you back up again.

“I missed you Liebe..”

He whispered, going to kiss you. You kissed him back before pulling away and burying your face into his neck.

“I missed you too Tommy.”

He smiled at your words, and finally, things were back to normal with you too.

°.✩┈┈∘*┈୨୧┈*∘┈┈✩.°

guys help idk if this is good or not

[tiredofthehumanlife]

Honey, our boyfriend drowned!

Barbie dolls: jegulus x gn!reader

Word:5.1k

Summary: lemme set the scene: Regulus' car crashes into the lake on his drive to work most definitely killing him and then some mystique happens and I get too lazy to write actual plot but I add some sad and cute and JUST FUCKING READ IT ITS FUN AND NICE

Warnings: regulus dies (or does he mwhahaahha), lots.of talk of grief and death and blood and nasty and self hatred you and James are going through it, regulus with a cane and long hair, talks of the war but it's the tiniest mention, Barty has attachment issues, there is some cringe bc believe it or not Im cringey as a person so it just happens, regulus speaks Google translate French, James speaks Google translate Hindi, I had so much fun writing this.one and that's so stupid bc Its literally about death but it was a hoot, brotherly love, peter included SUCK MY DiCK OH MY GOD, oh James takes a picture OH and there's a cordless phone but I was personally thinking of the big clunky ones that sat on the wall you know, insinuations of the cave, Sirius says Jesus Christ in shock you say Gods no in shock yodabba dabba, everyone are friends I watched MLP okay everyone loves each other now, take a shot everytime I say warm, you cry, I quit

While you and James were in school, you started dating a boy named Regulus. He was beautiful and graceful. Your relationship continued outside the bounds of the school walls. Once you and James graduated you got a home and Regulus joined you both a year later when he graduated. Domestic life was wonderful for the three of you. And then Regulus died. 

It was hard to believe. How could your boyfriend disappear right out from under both of your noses? He left for work one day and didn’t come back. It was like the world paused after that. The walls wept with you both. The house seemed smaller and tighter because everywhere you looked were remnants of him. His books were on the shelf with his writing inside. His additions to the grocery list were still on the fridge. His fancy shoes for events sitting by the door. His winter coat is on the rack. You could still smell his cologne. Maybe that was because James would spray it on Regulus' pillow and clutch it to his chest while he slept. Your day together as a couple consisted of sitting on the couch in silence and staring ahead listening to the clock tick. 

His death put a strain on your relationship. You could barely take care of yourselves. How could you love another person when you could barely work up enough energy to cry? So you both floated around the house silently like you were the ones dead. You didn’t talk to James for weeks. 

Everyone around you seemed to take a hit from Regulus’ death. Evans and Barty became reclusive, you hadn’t heard from them in months.

Dorcas started bouncing around her friends’ homes, staying the night on a new person’s couch because she was scared to leave anyone alone. They’d slip from her grasp like Regulus did if she didn’t stay with them.

After a few weeks, Mary and Lily took on the role of caretaker. Bringing people dinners and shoving them into the shower so they’d bathe every once in and while.

Marlene tried to crack jokes with people, she was most definitely the kind of person to joke until her pain went away.

Pandora spent all her days sitting in a rocking chair in front of the window. You checked on her once and asked her how she was. She told you, without looking away from the window, ‘I had a premonition about this four years ago. It’s scarier in real life. I can’t just crawl into his bed and press my fingers to his pulse. I’m living in a nightmare.’ You sighed and patted her shoulder, leaving her with the wisest words you could muster: ‘Me too, Panda. Me too.’ 

Peter is in the nearest Library every day, reading all of Regulus’ favorites. He even came over a few times to borrow some of Regulus’ personal books.

Remus found a French cookbook and started making his way through it one recipe at a time as a way to get up and do something. He said he thought of Regulus with each dish and it made the pain recede like an ocean wave. 

Sirius took it the hardest, for obvious reasons. He laid on his couch all day, staring at the bookshelf next to the TV. Remus said he couldn’t convince Sirius to move to the bed. He’d only to get up to use the bathroom. Remus would have to sit next to the couch on the floor and feed him so he didn’t wither away. Remus eventually realized Sirius was staring at the picture of him and Regulus sitting on the shelf. After a long time, Sirius finally moved from the couch, instead taking his tears to his bed. You didn’t see Sirius for weeks. 

When Regulus’ funeral arrived it was obvious the impact he left. All 12 of you stared at the empty coffin as it settled into the ground. You didn’t even get the peace of knowing his body was resting in the coffin. They never found it. They found his car in the lake with a massive hole the size of his fancy car on the side of the bridge overhead. The police said his body probably drifted down the attached river into the woods. It was likely his body was scavenged by animals. It did nothing to settle your mind. 

Your lover drowned and then was torn apart by wild animals? Great, glad he’s resting peacefully. All of his things were in the car too. The book he was trying to finish during the month of the crash. His bag with his wallet and every other personal item you could think of. He even still had Pandora’s hair clip on the strap. His blood was on the seat and front windshield. Cops said it was impossible for him to have survived, especially with the amount of blood that was lost. He left for work, taking the route he always did, and died in the process. 

It took a long time but you all eventually healed from it. Of course, it still hurt when you were reminded of it but you slowly got back to your average life.

Sirius got off the couch. Dorcas slept in her own bed. Marlene finally cried. Lily and Mary started making food only for themselves. Remus put his cookbook on the shelf, next to the picture. Peter moved out of the libraries, finding new books. Barty and Evan even joined you and James on a double date once. Pandora moved away from the window. You and James stopped being zombies dancing around each other. You finally talked it through and cradled the other through the night, Regulus' pillow was shoved into the closet. 

You asked your friends for help to pack all of Regulus’ things into boxes. It was terribly hard to move on when his presence was still staring you in the eye. You told Sirius he could stay home but he still showed up. He helped you pack up Regulus’ clothes, taking back the band shirts Regulus stole from him. He even used one as a tissue when he cried about it.

With too many people in your house, you were all able to stuff Regulus into three separate boxes. Remus helped James move them into the attic. even though you wanted him hidden away in boxes didn’t mean you wanted to sell his presence away. You hugged everyone goodbye. It was a sour goodbye, the memory of Regulus’ loss fresh on their minds but happy they got to see all their friends again. 

You, along with all the others, had your good and bad days. You’d say an inside joke Regulus came up with and spend the rest of the day crying next to the window. Some days you’d blossom and be like you were years ago. As time went by your bad days became more and more far apart. You and James’ relationship was going strong, you felt like you were in school again. In a positive way. 

After a long brunch with Remus and Sirius full of laughs, you and James went home and relaxed. James left to go take a nap and you started reading by the window facing out towards the road that led to your doorstep. After you got through four chapters, James was rising from his nap and kissing you good morning. Though it was really more of a late afternoon, you didn’t correct him. He left to go make himself a snack, still in his pajamas. You continued reading.

As you heard the timer go off for James’ food you glanced up to see if he was getting it. You saw him through the opening, reaching over for the pot on the oven. You moved to look back at your book, pausing when you saw someone on the sidewalk. You were an avid enjoyer of people-watching. 

It was a man who left your boots feeling shaken. His hair was longer, reaching down to kiss his back between his shoulder blades. He walked with a limp. He was classily dressed. At the top of his cane was a bird skull. He was dressed in all black and had various silver jewelry hanging from his body. His hair was falling into his face as he stared at the ground. You glanced down at the ground to see his shoes, finding they were just as fancy and put together as he was. You looked back up at his hair, trying to see if you could figure out how he maintained it so perfectly.

As you dragged your eyes up, he shook his head back. His hair flew back revealing his scarred face. There was a scar parting his eyebrow and making a trail across his cheek to his ear. You saw one peeking out from the bottom of his jaw and dipping under his high-collared shirt. 

Even with all the changes you recognized him. You sprung out of your chair, flinging your book back towards the coffee table. You heard it clatter to the floor. 

“James! Call Sirius!” You yelled as you scattered towards the front door, knocking over items on your way. 

“What? Why?” James asked from the kitchen opening. You spun your head back towards him. You probably looked like a frazzled crazy person. You felt like a frazzled crazy person. You were either hallucinating or really watching your dead lover walk down the street. 

“Call Sirius, James.” You said, your tone nipping at his hand and making him turn around for the phone hanging in the kitchen. You flung open the front door, ignoring your shoes and the fact the door smacked against the wall.

You weren’t entirely sure Regulus, or at least what you thought was Regulus, wouldn’t run away if he saw you coming. You ran down the concrete steps and your driveway. You ignored the fire the rough ground started on the bottoms of your feet. James stood on front doorstep with the phone pressed to his ear. You caught snippets of his words as you moved to the end of the driveway, staring down the sidewalk. 

“I don’t know.” Your chest heaved as your mind caught up with what you were looking at. “Just said to call you.” You stared at the man in black walking down the center of the sidewalk. “Bein’ weird.” You saw the man stop his walking as you stood in his way. 

“Regulus?” You yelled. The man stood still. You took a step towards him. James had settled silent. “Regulus? Baby, is that you?” You yelled down the sidewalk. He was standing on the sidewalk in front of your neighbor's house, still staring at the ground. Hr pulled his head up, facing you. Even from a far distance, you could recognize him.

Your body started running before your brain could even tell you to. Regulus picked up his pace, a nice brisk walk. You doubted he could go much faster with his apparent hurt leg but you didn’t care. Your undead lover was on your sidewalk. You picked up your pace, letting your lungs burn. Your heart was burning more, the pain from knowing you’d never see Regulus mixing with the hope that he was really walking down your sidewalk. 

“Holy shit.” You heard James say from the first doorstep. “Listen uh, Sirius, I’m going to have to call you back. I think we might be hallucinating right now.” James said. You heard the quiet clatter of the phone on the table next to the front door. You and Regulus stopped with barely two feet between you too. Your chest heaved. You thought your ribs might explode.

Regulus was beautiful even with the scars and obvious dark experiences lingering behind his eyes. You couldn’t imagine what happened in the past year and a half but he was still Regulus after all this time. You felt like you shouldn’t cry because he might feel guilty and leave again. You closed the gap between you two, wrapping your arms around him. Regulus sighed with his chin pulled over your shoulder. You heard his cane drop to the sidewalk, his weight leaning into yours. 

You gripped the onto the back of his shirt, crying into his shoulder. Regulus held onto you just as hard. You felt James’ arms join yours, holding onto Regulus. After a few moments of Regulus finally feeling at home and you and James realizing you did all that crying for nothing, you all pulled back. Regulus wobbled a second, before leaning on his other side. James quickly dipped down and held Regulus’ cane out to him. Regulus thanked him, leaning his weight back on the cane. 

“You’re alive.” You said, sticking your hands your hands out at Regulus. He gave you a one-shouldered shrug. 

“There’s a lot I need to tell you,” Regulus muttered, glancing down at the cane. You shook your head, reaching out for him again. You let your hands cup his face. 

“Oh let me look at you.” You traced the scars on his face. You tugged lightly on the ends of his hair. You let your hands dip down, tracing over the necklaces. You looked down at the metal skull buckle on his belt, grinning at his fancy shoes again. Even after all the changes, he was still in his stupid shoes. 

“You’re so beautiful, my love. I can’t believe you’re alive.” You said, cupping his face again. Regulus hummed and tilted his face into your hand. You pulled back and let James pull Regulus into his arms. James cradled Regulus’ head to his chest just as he used to when Regulus got bad nightmares. Regulus let out a gasping sob, digging his nails into James’ forearm. James closed his eyes and pressed his nose to Regulus’ hair. 

  A few minutes later Regulus was sat at the table with his favorite tea hugged between his hands. You watched him from across the table, tracking his every move. It was weird looking at him. Aside from the fact you thought he was dead, it was a stark change.

You got to watch James slowly change parts of himself over the year. The wrinkles near his eyes got more prominent, he cut his hair, and he got new shoes, etcetera. You went from seeing Regulus with hair shorter than his chin to watching him flick it over his shoulder. You saw him with the clear and pristine skin he took pride in the scarred look he was sporting now. Regulus pursed his lips and blew on the hot tea in his hands before flicking his eyes up to you. You didn’t shy away from the fact you were staring at him. James wandered into the dining room his phone pressed to his ear. 

“No Sirius, I’m being ser-I’m being for real. You need to get over here now, you’re not going to believe this.” James said, leaning on the doorframe and staring at Regulus. Regulus stuck his hand out at James, wiggling his fingers. James raised an eyebrow ‘You sure?’. Regulus shook his hand, ‘yes.’. James handed the phone to Regulus. Regulus pressed the phone to his ear. He cleared his throat. 

“That coffin was uncomfortable, dickhead.” Regulus said before pulling the phone away from his ear and hanging it up. He set it on the table and took a slow sip from his tea. 

“I think you just gave him a heart attack,” James said. You hummed, staring down at the phone. 

“Yeah I’m not sure if that was the best action but it was a very Regulus thing for you to do so at least some things haven’t changed. “ You said, handing the phone off to James. Regulus closed his eyes as he pulled his tea away from his lips. 

Minutes later Sirius was bursting through your door with Remus tailing fast behind him. Sirius peered into each room, making haste to search the house. Regulus set his tea down. Sirius stood in the dining room doorway, frozen in place. Regulus stood from his chair, leaning on his cane and sighing as he did so. He tilted his head to the side, making a small spin to show off his new look. 

“Jesus Christ,” Sirius muttered. 

“that’s who he looks like, I was trying to place it,”  you said, sighing and smacking James’ bicep. Regulus faces Sirius again, holding his arm out. Sirius closed the space, pulling Regulus into a hug. They rocked side to side. You thought of shooing everyone out but you also wanted to watch Sirius’ reaction. Sirius pulled back and smacked Regulus on the crown of his head. Regulus glared at him, obviously, it wasn’t hard. 

“Don’t you ever do that again you dick,” Sirius said, before cupping Regulus’ face. He grimaced and shook his head. 

“You look like me in fourth year,” Sirius whispered, running his hand through the length of Regulus’ hair. Regulus hummed. 

“I thought so too. I missed home, so I grew it out. I plan on trimming it soon though, not really me.” Regulus whispered. Sirius hummed and traced the scar down Regulus’ eyebrow with his thumb. 

“What’d you do?” Sirius asked. 

“I ended a war before it started, the usual break year plans. I almost drowned and fought off some weird gremlin things. It’s a story.” Regulus said, waving off Sirius’ look of concern. “I’m fine now, other than the trauma I hold with water. But I managed to figure it out. I just take showers weird now.” Regulus added, once again downplaying the severity. 

“Well, your funeral was a waste of time,” Sirius said, turning back around to stand next to Remus. Regulus shrugged. 

“Did you guys cry?” You, James, Remus, and Sirius shared looks. You all shrugged. 

“Eh, not really.” 

“I mean what even classifies as crying these days, you know.” 

"So much I got dehydrated"

“After the first couple of days, it was a breeze.” Regulus rolled his eyes and pulled his tea off the table. 

“So did you guys sell all my shit?” He whispered into his cup. You and James quickly shook your heads. 

“Oh gods, no. It’s all in the attic.” You said, pointing at the ceiling above you. James and Remus left for the attic as you and Sirius chased after Regulus. Regulus took his tea from the dining room to the living room, setting it on the coffee table. You and Sirius stared at him as he settled onto the couch. Regulus propped his cane against the side table, taking a sip from his tea. Regulus lifted an eyebrow at the floor. He leaned over and held your book up. 

“Thought I taught you better than to throw books,” Regulus said, setting the book on the coffee table. You crossed your arms over your chest. You scoffed. 

“I was a little more focused on my undead lover walking into my garden.” You said. Regulus shrugged and gently set the book down on the coffee table. Regulus kicked his foot up, resting his ankle on his knee. James and Remus joined you with all three boxes. They were all labeled with a different form of his name, three different handwritings. Evan wrote R.A.B. in his swirly handwriting. Sirius had written Regulus in his pristine handwriting. You scribbled down Reggie on the top with an almost empty Sharpie. It looked like you didn’t care but you couldn’t bear to look at the boxes any more than you had to. 

Regulus leaned forward, tearing open the nearest box. He started rummaging through it and you wished Evan was here. You couldn’t fold things as perfectly as he could. Regulus pulled out his favorite stuffed animal, setting it on the couch next to him. He closed the box, reaching for the next one. He tore it open just as fast. He pulled out his favorite blanket and book. Regulus threw the blanket next to his stuffed animal. He set the book on the coffee table and as you watched him close up the box again, you sucked in a shaky breath. Regulus lifted his head, looking at you. You turned into James’ arms. James tightened his hold. You hated to get James’ shirt dirty but watching Regulue tear through the boxes you were sure you’d never touch again made your throat close up. 

“Sorry did I do something?” You heard Rehgulus’ voice behind you. James’ hand ran up and down your back. You felt SIrius’ hand land on your shoulder. 

“No, we’re just processing, I think. Lots of changes today.” James said, rocking you back and forth. Sirius took on the role of changing the subject so you still had a little bit of dignity. 

“We need to call the others. I mean this is a big change we’ll have to get every-“ Regulus cut off Sirius. 

“Listen, I know okay. I know, but I haven’t felt at home in over a year. I just want to spend today here. Tomorrow I will tell everyone of my resurrection but right now I just want a nap. You and Remus can stay if you want, I really don’t care. As long as I get a nap on the couch, I’m okay. I will gather everyone tomorrow but today is just..” Regulus sighed, a visible weight lifting from his shoulders. “Just for me. Is that okay?” Regulus asked. Sirius stayed silent a moment. He glanced around the living room. He shrugged, looking back at Regulus. 

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Regulus slipped his shoes off, setting them next to his cane, and laid across the couch. You pulled back from James, wiping at your eyes. You headed off for the bedroom, tearing open the closet. You pulled down Regulus’ pillow and brought it back to the living room. Regulus gave you a soft smile and gently took the pillow from your hands. He set it down before quickly sandwiching your hands between his. He was warm, not cold like a dead body. Maybe he was real. Regulus stared up at you. 

“I learned how to cook traditional French dishes,” Remus said, picking at one of the boxes. Regulus hummed. He was on the brink of sleep but still wanted Remus to feel heard. “You should come over for dinner some night.” Regulus nodded against his pillow. Remus left after SIrius and not long after you heard SIrius’ motorcycle fade away. You imagined Remus’ long legs cramped behind Sirius on the back of his bike and snorted. 

“I love you, you know that? Every day I wasn’t here I worried for you. I missed you so much I’d feel sick. I’m sorry I left like that.” Regulus said. Your eyebrows pinched and you sank your teeth into your bottom lip, trying your hardest to not cry again. You nodded. Regulus hummed and pressed your palm to his lips. You sighed and rubbed his cheek lightly. He dropped your hands and laid back on the couch, now with his pillow propped behind his head.

Regulus turned onto his side, clutching his stuffed animal to his chest. He pulled his blanket up to his nose. Sirius stood next to Regulus, brushing hair out of his face and gently rubbing his cheek before roughly smacking him and messing up his hair again. Regulus groaned and swatted his hands away. Sirius pulled back and slipped out the front door. 

“Mon Soleil?” Regulus whispered into his blanket. You glanced at James, watching his water line fill. 

“छोटा राजा?”  James whispered, his voice fragile. You looked back to Regulus. His eyes were still closed. 

When James heard Regulus’ snores next to his ear he slid the bookmark into their place and set it on the coffee table. James leaned his head back, resting it on the couch armrest. You sighed, watching Regulus sleep peacefully. 

“Read to me?” Regulus asked. James nodded and grabbed the book Regulus pulled from the box off the coffee table. James sat on the floor next to where Regulus head was on the couch. He opened the book to the page they left off last time, and you felt like James might cry. He started reading and as he went on you started to wish Regulus had given you a task too. You were just standing there watching them. You quietly joined James on the floor. You sat a foot and a half away from James. He paused his sentence for a second to look up at you and give you a soft smile. You returned it and slipped a hand under Regulus’ blanket. It probably smelled like the attic but Regulus didn’t seem to care, snoozing away. You rested your hand on his hip, lightly rubbing it before getting your hand to sit. You wished to hold his hand but one was clutching his stuffed animal and the other was pressing his blanket to his face. 

“I don’t think we’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” You whispered, not wanting to wake up Regulus. James turned his head to face you. He reached over and held onto your other hand, kissing the back. He nodded and looked over towards the wall. 

“I feel like we shouldn’t go to sleep because when we wake up, the boxes will be back in the attic. Sirius will be back on the couch and we’ll be sitting on the bed sobbing together.”James whispered. You humed. You slipped your thumb under the edge of Regulus’ shirt, pressing your finger into his warm skin. 

“He won’t be warm anymore.” You muttered, eyes still caught on Regulus. James’ thumb rubbed against the back of your hand. You wondered if he was testing to see if you were warm still. 

“We’ll visit his grave on Wednesday together and wonder if those wild animals were well fed. If it was all worth it. Stare down at the dirt and know six feet under is an empty wooden box with nothing but a copy of Regulus’ favorite poetry book inside.” James’ voice wobbled and you gripped his hand tighter. 

“I thought every day that I would wake up and it’d all be a nightmare. I was just dreaming. All those crime shows got to me and my brain inserted me into an episode while I was sleeping. Every morning I’d wake up to find out we were still planning his funeral. I thought I was dead for a while. Thought this was my punishment for not recycling enough or something.” You said, pressing your thumb further into Regulus’ skin. Not to hurt him, but you needed to feel his pulse. 

“I can’t go back there,” James whispered. 

“Then maybe we go to sleep tonight. Maybe we’ll wake up and he’ll be in bed with us.” You said giving the side of James' face a sour smile. 

“Then we start again. We heal again.” James gave you a sad look and stared ahead again. You decided to lighten the mood a little. “And we had a freaky joint dream.” James snorted. He sniffed and stared down at his lap. He kissed the back of your hand again. You focused on Regulus’ skin under your finger. Still warm. 

“And if we wake up to find ourselves right back where we started? What then?” James asked, turning his head to face you. You paused for a moment and let his words stir in your head. You thought about getting thrown right back into that dark and messy place.

You didn’t take showers unless Mary forced you and you hated yourself for everything you did. Why didn’t you stop Regulus and tell him to stay home that day? Why didn’t you drive him to work yourself? Why didn’t you deviate from your routine, anything to save Regulus’ life? And when you got over what ifs that could’ve stopped this all from happening, then you hated yourself for not helping James more. Why couldn’t you take care of him? His parents called every day and he could barely pull himself out of bed to answer the phone. You couldn’t look away from the floor to pick the phone up. You picked apart yourself with sharp nails and then let your pieces rot into something awful that barely resembled yourself anymore. All in the name of grief. 

“So sorry to break up such a sweet moment, however I am trying to sleep. So if you two could shut up: that’d be preferable. “ You heard Regulus say. James turned his head back, glancing at Regulus. He looked back at you. 

“Seems pretty real to me.” You whispered. 

Regulus stayed true to his word, calling every one of your friends to your home. When he joined them in the living room there were screams and cries and most definitely noise complaints from the neighbors. Barty fell to his knees, taking Regulus down with him, and sobbed into his hair. He was an ugly crier too, saliva connecting his two lips when he opened his mouth in a silent cry.

Dorcas and Evan were quick to join them on the floor, wrapping Regulus up in a sea of arms. Probably the first body of water he felt comfortable in a while.

Eventually, Regulus made it to his feet, giving everyone their own hug. Peter told him he had books he found that Regulus would enjoy. Mary smacked him on the back of the head and told him to brighten the fuck up before dragging him into a tight hug. Lily told him she had a new bread recipe she’d been meaning to try. Marlene cracked a stupid joke through her tears and lightly punched Regulus in the arm. Regulus made it to Pandora and she pulled him to her chest, squeezing him as tight as she could. 

“I didn’t see this.” She whispered in his hair. Regulus gripped her back just as tight.

You all had a warm dinner made by Remus and Lily. Regulus and Sirius share a nostalgic look after the first bite. You didn’t have a big enough table so you all crowded into the living room, gathering around the rug. Regulus earned a spot on the couch. Barty was at his feet, arms wrapped around Regulus’ leg.

James shot up halfway through dinner, dashing across the house. He came back with his camera. He took one shot of everyone in the living room before turning the camera around and squeezing himself into frame too. He labeled them both ‘Regulus’ first family dinner back’ on the backs. He added the date and set the camera and photos on the kitchen counter deciding to deal with them later.

On his way back into the living room, he kissed you before pecking Regulus on the cheek. As he settled back into his seat on the floor, the group broke into ruckus laughter from a joke Sirius made. Sirius beamed and your and James’ eyes shot for Regulus. You found him snorting out his tea through his nose. His pain, disgust, and laughter all conjoined and you knew when you woke up tomorrow, he’d once again be in your bed. Warm. 

[sunlightmurdock]

could we get that idea about dbf Jake picking you up from a shitty date maybe? 👀😬

sorry ignore the sound of me screaming it’ll stop eventually bc yess we absolutely can!!

Like I’m imagining that after a really close call, like a really close call involving you having to hide in Jake’s closet in nothing but a g-string while Jake desperately tried to get rid of your drunk father (who had argued with your mother and wanted to crash at Jake’s place for the night), you and Jake had called things quits. It was mutual in the sense that you both had agreed, and mutual in the sense that you were equally miserable without each other.

so just imagine exactly how bad this date would have had to be for you to call Jake… pretty bad. The guy had seemed really nice when you first met him through mutual friends. He had a good job and was funny, not bad looking.

But then you had sat down to dinner with him, and suddenly he was a pig. He didn’t give a damn about a thing you had to say, his jokes were stale and his intentions were clear. He just wanted to fuck. You had tried to brush him off politely, not wanting a fight.

He had picked one anyway. You had a bad feeling about trying to go home by yourself, so, you’d done the first thing you could think of and had texted Jake.

Your date called you a bitch, and a few other choice names, and you had rushed out to Jake’s car with no intention of ever seeing that asshole ever again.

At first, Jake hadn’t known what to say. He had just looked across at you, all dolled up in that pretty dress, and that devastated look on your face. Then, he had wordlessly pulled away from the curb and started the journey home in silence. It was a while before he decided how to start.

“Are you okay?” He had asked quietly.

You inhale deeply and buckle your seatbelt, staring at the footwell instead of turning your head to look at his face. “I will be. He was just an asshole.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? — It’s not like you said those things.” You sigh, folding your arms over your chest and watching the road ahead of you.

“I’m sorry that you went out with a guy like that,” Jake admits. A muscle in his jaw ticks, the radio plays on between you and he’s got no intention of letting you go home until he says what he needs to say. “I’m sorry that we can’t be together.”

You close your eyes for a moment, thinking of all the times he held you. The ways that he understood you.

He stares ahead at the road, aching in the same way. He still smiles when he thinks about the inside jokes you had. He’s still got the products he bought for you in his bathroom. He’s got the Valentine’s Day card you bought him stashed in his desk at work, for when he has a hard day.

“Yeah, me too.” You agree dejectedly, suddenly wishing you had called a friend instead of Jake. Sitting here with the man who taught you exactly what being loved should feel like, it’s worse than rubbing salt in a wound. It’s like being wounded again, over and over.

Jake swallows softly, glancing across at you. He hesitates, then knocks his blinker and pulls calmly into a gas station.

“Wait here, honey. I’ll just be a second.”

Without looking him in the eye, you nod and start to think about what your love life is going to look like from here on out. How are you supposed to pretend that any guy is ever going to compare to Jake?

While he’s gone, your mind starts to wander back to that night hiding in Jake’s closet. It would have been mortifying if your father had found you, sure. If he was ever going to find out about you and Jake, you would definitely prefer to be clothed when it happened. But, even though he would have been upset, you’re sure he would have gotten over it eventually.

He would have no choice, if he saw the way Jake treated you. If he cared at all about your happiness.

You flinch as the driver’s side door opens again and Jake slides into the seat, with a bouquet of gas station flowers in his hand. Your brows furrow slightly.

“If I’d had more time, I would’ve gone to a florist,” Jake breathes out with a soft shake of his head, passing the mix of flowers across to you. “I’m so sorry about tonight. You deserve a man who knows how special you are.”

Your eyes sting, throat growing tight as you stare at the colours and soft petals in front of you. Finally, you turn your head and look him in the eye for the first time all night. There are a thousand things you could say to him. A hundred more that you need to.

Instead, you sit forwards and press your lips softly to his. It’s not like the first kiss you shared. This one is slow, and chaste, like a goodbye.

But when you pull back and see the way that he’s looking at you, you know that it’s far from it.

[ubike-official]

hi besties, uhhh bf update. God he is a completely different person w/me now. we were both in restrained customer service mode up until recently and now have both blossomed which is wow. love is real...

tidbits under the cut

so, as i speculated, hes def got something going on gender / sexuality wise. He told me last night he really likes to crossdress. And i was Not Surprised whatsoever bc yea... it tracks. And I just told him I'm bi, its cool regardless of how you view ur gender. Every one of my friends thought he was pretty feminine to begin with and that i was not beating the "lesbian trying to make it work with a man" allegations. I told him this, he just laughed and agreed that yea. its on purpose. He knows and likes to look cute which i whole heartedly support. I can't wait till he can come over and i dress him in my clothes and do his hair and makeup. It'll be great. He didn't clarify where it fully stemmed from besides wanting to feel pretty. but i dont think he himself knows if this is just an interest or smth deeper and thats fine. ill just support.

NSFW!!!

we didnt fuck but we've done sexual things. I did not expect it to go so well. i thought I'd be more hesitant as i am very reserved. ofc i have a sex drive i just handle it on my own. But yea, we were in the back of his car like humping with clothes on, he like fingered me over my underwear, feeling each other up, i was trying to jack him off over his underwear and missed it so i just grabbed his dick skin on skin which tbh i never expected myself to ever want to do that ever but no, yea. totally fine. enjoyable. He is SO Sensitive. its honestly so cute. Like sir, i am Just touching your back, why are you writhing like that and moaning into my ear ... have some decorum? uhh but ofc i loved it and kept going and yea. That sound is never leaving me. I had No Clue 4 months ago the guy who didnt even shake my hand on the first date would be moaning in my ear that he loves me. Thats craaaazy. Best Timeline though. We did this twice. The first time was in a daiso parking lot bc we needed to grab a present for his friend and after him doing all that, we composed ourselves and we So Normal inside the daiso. it was SOOO funny. Like damn, we're so good at customer service mood. its crazy.

i think he's lowkey got like oral fixation. I uh was messing around and was having him play bite my finger and then he took my thumb and sucked on it like He Knew What He Was Doing.... i never confirmed that all his past relationships were with women. He has never once used pronouns for any of them. honestly.... i have a feeling he's probably been with a guy at least once. But yeah,

We'll eventually do this right next time I'm home alone. he's never home alone and his parents are insane. Said getting each other off only ended bc his mom called. it was SOOO funny. we like instantly got off each other the second we heard the phone. it was SO synchronized. But yea, I'm loving it. We really really like each other. This relationship is so lesbian coded. Both bc well... it looks like it and also like he's already asking me "is it bad I'm thinking of ways to move in together? how many cats do you want?" like HAH GAAAY it's gonna be great. i found my person.

[bunnakit]

bunn and husband face reveal bc im feeling sappy

i love that this man just spent 3 hours watching bls with me, after listening to me talk about my silly bls for like an hour and a half.

like, he's 6'4" (193cm) and built like a brick shithouse but he loves listening to me talk about my fanfics and my writing, will watch my silly shows with me, LOVES playing co-op games with me, takes care of me when my disease gets bad, stuck with me after my diagnosis when we hadn't even dated for a year, and has stuck with me for my entire gender journey and has supported my desire to start HRT next year.

he's my best friend in the whole world and i love him so fucking much (even when we drive each other crazy)

(god this picture from a concert is 5 years old how the fuck is that possible)

i know a lot of younger people follow me and ive seen quite a few people like "when is it my turn" or "how do i find someone like that" and like my only advice is stop looking. honest to god.

my husband and i met 8 years ago, i'd just gone through a sad break up that was mutual just bc of distance and other factors. a barely-acquaintance asked me to come over and hang out and i said sure why the fuck not. she invited over her friend and tried to set us up and that night he barely said 2 words to me.

eventually, we found common ground and once we got started we could not shut the fuck up. we found out we played similar games and liked similar shows. he invited me to breakfast the next morning, took me home, and then played monster hunter with me for hours while we were on the phone together. once we officially began dating (like a week later) we were fucking inseparable. we just love being in each other's company because we're best friends. we tease each other and give each other SO MUCH sass and attitude but that's who we are and i always tell him "i couldn't have designed you more perfectly in a computer."

i miss him when he goes to work and every single night on his way home from work he calls me the MINUTE he gets into his car and talks to me on the phone until he gets home. we used to play a stupid game where he would tell me when he was at the corner down the street and he'd flash his headlights at me as i looked out the window. i can't wait to see what the next 8 years has in store for us.

you'll find your person, it may not be as fast as you want but i'll give the same advice my parents always gave me - don't ever settle for less than a best friend. your partner HAS to be a best friend. (my parents have been married 25 years and are still fucking insane for each other.)

[webslingingslasher]

hiii🥹 i saw my nerdy!peter request btw i loved it he's so adorable thank you sm!!🩷

i've been gone a while bc i was Busy with finals but guess what!! i finished everything a week early so i have an extra week for term break 😌 slayed. im also going to the beach next week and the week after that im excited!!!

but also!! guess who went to bars 2x this week!! me!! which is something i Rarely ever do LMAO but yeah ive been hanging out with my new friends from my new org and ive been so happy!! 💞 we had a 3-day shoot for something we're abt to launch and when we finished we went out to drink near our college to celebrate, it was crazyyy

we played games n one of them were fuck marry kill and a guy said he'd fuck me JXJCJHX ???? 😭😭 i reacted so badly LIKE in a funny way, i cursed in my local language (same vibe as saying "bitch??🤨") and everyone laughed even the guy who said it loll im still giggling abt it bc it happened so fast, like i reacted so fast it was like a reflex😭 you shouldve seen my face kfkcncjdjd but i kinda feel bad bc i think he actually has a crush on me ? bc ive been picking up on how he acts around me lately.. srry brother ur not my type and im not exactly open to dating rn 🙁 but dw it didnt make me uncomfy, everyone took turns including me LOL and there were A Lot of us that night, 15 i think?? haha then some of them also walked me back home since their dorms were on the way. it was my first time walking around the area at night (the place is highkey sketchy) but it was fun👍

and then tonight/today we went out again to drink, just to celebrate the end of the term and i had soo much fun like i didnt drink much but the ppl around me are just rly fun to be with :) we were out from 8pm and i got home at 4am..🥹 it's my first time coming home that late loll but i had a blast. some of my org mates invited their own friends so i met new ppl and they were rly fun to be with too!! they also gave us a ride back home, we were 7 in the car lmfao but it was so nice, that ride fr made me feel like i was in a movie :︎’)

all of this happened this week it's insane but im very happy 🩷🩷 next week im going to the beach w my family and also the week after that but w my parents friends haha, im rly gonna make the most out of this short break bc im abt to start my thesis next term and i knowww i'll be Stressed🤕 i wont get this time of my life back so im gonna be happy now!!

-🧚🏼‍♀️

HELL YES!!!!!! I TOLD YOU THINGS WOULD START LOOKING UP!!!!

YOU GOT FRIENDS, GUYS THAT WANNA BANG YOU AND THE BEACH????

[having-conniptions]

Love In The Air episode 7 live reaction under the cut (long post)

I have a feeling this is gonna be a goooood one

Phayu instantly getting worried and rushing home when Rain doesn't pick up the phone seems a little extreme... he's got the right instinct tho

Lol how quickly did it get dark outside

That photo of Rain is terrifying if I was Phayu I'd be murderous too

Rain is such a savage omg

Fuck that is so humiliating I'm about to burst with rage

This hurts to watch aaaaaaaaaaaa

Not the hand argh

Were those... shots?

"I think you should stop" THANK YOU

That zebra shirt tho lol

When Rain goes and kicks the guy 🔥🔥🔥🔥 But then he says "Bear this in mind. P'Phayu is the only one who can screw me." Baby you're a bit cringe but I still love you

The confession aaaaa 😭❤️❤️❤️

The jokes about Rain's name don't really make sense with the subtitles lol

Not Sky telling them Rain's in a relationship

OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EVERYONE'S FACES WHEN RAIN OR SKY REVEALS IT'S PHAYU

Hahahaha Phayu can not leave his Rain alone

OMG IS HE JUST GONNA WALK UP AND KISS RAIN AND EVERYONE'S GONNA BE SHOCKED AF

Hahahahaha Sky teasing Rain <3

The way they're all falling over each other when Phayu comes to their table lmao

"No, I'm here to pick up my partner" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

But also PSA please don't out your partner without making sure they're ready

"It's a secret" awwwww

THEIR FACES XD

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" HAHAHA WHICH ABSOLUTE ICON SAID THAT

They're all fangirling over PhayuRain aaaawwww

Well except for the ones that were crushing on Phayu lol

Brooo you really think Rain is still interested in Ple??? SIR have you looked in a mirror? Have you looked at Rain when he looks at you? Bruh

PRAPAI HELLOOOOO CUTIIIEEEEE

Idk why I love him so much I just do

Oooooooo Pai and Sky alternating scenes? PrapaiSky arc let's GOOOOOO

Wait are they getting ready for a date? WITH EACH OTHER? Ok nah Sky is just doing chores

Idk in my head they've had something going on since the first race (the hickey!!! Pai asking about Sky!!)

PRAPAI IN THAT RED SUIT OH LORD HAVE MERCY

Pai is at work smiling to himself CLEARLY BECAUSE OF SKY COME ON

AND HE CANCELED A MEETING I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT

Prapai in a blue suit 👀👀👀👀 these timeskips are confusing the hell out of me tho

Ok so now Pai is asking about Sky again... AND ASKING FOR HIS NUMBER

THEY DEFINITELY HOOKED UP THAT NIGHT OH THEY ABSOLUTELY DID and then they never saw each other again omg it's been LITERAL MONTHS and Pai can't stop thinking about Sky I AM GOING INSANE

Lol Sky isn't picking up bc he thinks it's a scam caller

JUST TEXT HIM

Bonus scene: WAIT WHAT? Phayu tampered with Rain's car back then so he'd have to ask him for help? Yeah idk about that... And he was interested from the moment Rain held that umbrella for him? AWWWWW

[beaversatemygrandma]

some yapping

not all too much has been going on lately between work and home and my entire side piece off the table for breaking parole... I've been invited to two weddings on the same weekend in may which left me a choice of which one to go to. And obviously I chose the more local one so i wouldn't have to drive an entire state north, just an hour south. Small drive, casual dress code, not my shitty side of my family, bf's uncle. Yeah. That one is a bit better. I won't look like an out of place poor person who just drove 8 hours in the shittiest car those people have probably ever seen. (I'm lucky that thing goes over 60 and doesn't shimmy some days. I don't like taking it on the highway.) Anyways, the bf's uncle took us to the mall and straight up bought us a bunch of clothes. Himself. Very not careful with money. He got a full outfit, shoes and all, that was a total of like $300. And a few other shirts and such. Like. Damn. This uncle intimidates me a bit. But I got an outfit out of it too, but just pants, a cute shirt and sweater (that were on clearance bc i don't like when people spend THAT much on me.) Tbh, i regret not asking for shoes as well. Could've been nice and clearly this man has money. I mean, calvin klein, nike, brooks brothers... the cheapest things in those stores were $15 socks. Insane actions tbh. (It is evident that I try not to spend more than $20 on damn near everything.) Either way, solid excuse to not be the white trash attendant at my cousin's wedding. I'm the dirty little poor person there.

But the actual thing that's been entirely on my mind way too often. Yep, the guy. Who's currently in jail waiting on a court date that's in two days now. He really is actually calling everyday, checking in, making sure I know that I'm appreciated, and just trying his damnedest to keep in touch. Though, he did miss one day. Just yesterday. I get a message that he wouldn't be able to call. And to add on that, and i quote, "I miss you more every day." again stating that I am his best friend, which was closely followed by using the L word again. ...Holy fucking signs here. Like this emotionally went from situationship to wants me romantically far more than before real quick. And the weird part of it, even with this entire situation going on and the red flags on him getting redder, I can't even complain. I actually like him and he's nothing but an emotional green flag. It's just all the other stuff. I know he'd treat me well. He does. It's just literally everything else.

It doesn't help that i had this dream last night with him in it. I don't remember much of it but i have this vivid memory of one part. We were in this dimly lit office space with a couple other people. In the corner there was this L-shaped desk with a computer. He was there, using the computer, shirtless for some reason. And had two more tattoos other than what he already has. They were black and red and honestly looked like they were freshly drawn with sharpie. I ended up kissing him and leaving him to whatever it was he was doing and going off with the other people who were there. There's definitely a reading on how i see him there.

Just everything with him feels nothing like casual anymore. Even with this distance now. Sure, I'm at a point where we could just slowly stop talking and it probably wouldn't hurt too much. (over time, if he just Stopped, it would Hurt. Bad.) But I genuinely believe that with the right environment, he could actually be a perfectly fine person to be with. With the right motivations, he doesn't fall back on old habits. I've seen it. I've seen improvement and it's possible. It's not always a straight line up, there's always fluctuations. Some days are better than others. But then again, he admitted to having started using shortly after getting fired from the job we met at, but slowly and rarely at first, and then a bit before he got caught having done that, he was basically doing it once a day or every other. Then again, i did notice some things that were off and I have very much learned that this is somebody i need to call out on random errands that don't really make sense. ...and yet i still believe in something positive out of him. Somehow.

It's just now that it's been revealed, i know exactly when it happened. Just don't know how or where. And I'm not that type of person, but i swear if i end up going further with him, I'm going to end up having to be the one who keeps tabs on him and forcefully deletes a few contacts on his phone. Yeah. I need some more time to process this shit and a bit of separation is definitely helping me do that. Because all he's been is somebody who was constantly available for a while, suddenly not as available (now i think i know why), and was an escape from a dead relationship.

A few days later edit: because it's actually been hard to even put my own thoughts together here. I already wimped out of having this conversation with him. I sent a message that was essentially all i had put together, he asked me if i wanted to talk about it more. I ended up telling him that i was in a different headspace earlier in the day and i couldn't even think of how to start explaining it. I couldn't even put together more than saying "it's a back and forth thing." Because i still fucking care and i still believe that he can indeed improve.

And apparently the court does too. This is a good thing. So, the court hearing was today. He has been offered something that's similar to a parole sentence, but it's more in line with regular drug counseling, tests, and that sort of thing. Just a forceful support to get sober. And essentially being free to continue his goals of being in school and working for something more with his life like he had been doing. Currently there's a 2 week wait to see if it gets approved by the system that's offering it. It seems promising because there were people who were part of this system who actually recommended him as part of it because he is a promising individual for it. So I swear to god if he doesn't get approved. Because he really does need actual help and not to be treated like a criminal for having a health problem. You know, actual help and rehabilitation. So there's a good chance he'll be out in two weeks. If he doesn't get approved, it's like a year in prison. So. I swear to god. He's a safe person. He just needs help and that's The Help.

Plus, it didn't help my worrying spiral of thoughts of if this is good or bad and waiting for what the court says when i get this notification that somebody else in the prison is trying to contact me. Freakier part: I recognized the name. I didn't accept this, obviously. I'm only talking to the person i trust who's there. Apparently why he couldn't call last night was because he was getting his dorm changed because of This Guy. I asked him about the name through a message earlier because it was just concerning me. And as soon as i answer the phone earlier after the greeting was "First thing, Do NOT accept that. That's the piece of shit i had to move away from and I must have accidentally forgot the note with your number on it." Then proceeds to further emphasize how big of a piece of shit this guy is and how much I should not accept that. And again, obviously I wasn't going to. I think I'm more curious about what happened between those two now. I want the tea there. That was an aggressively protective set of statements and he cut off me asking about how the court date went (bc that's what i wanted to hear about) just to say all of that. But it was bad enough that he got shifted around just for the two weeks that he'll be there.

Either way, if that system does approve him, I honestly think there is a chance and it's not as chaotically unhealthy as I've been afraid of. I know he tries. I know it's a hard thing to get past. He does want to do good. Last week, i ended up giving him a whole talk because he was going on about how he felt like he failed everybody he cared about. I told him that he can make it up to me by actually trying and succeeding. Then because the biggest one is his daughter, i point out that she's 5. I don't remember anything before 8. He still has a chance to not fail her if he gets his shit together Now. He took that statement and ran with it. Just knowing that she is still young enough to not even know about this stuff. He's just gone for a month this time around. A month at 5 may feel like forever, but in the long term, she's not going to remember that. Anyways, a very strong motivation for getting sober again and staying that way. I really do think it might just work. Just a bit of a positive statement every once and a while when the thoughts go dark and focus on the negative.

(As you can see, that quickly back to positive. Even after rereading a lot of those previous words. I swear to god he better get approved. He's got a chance.)

[incomparable365]

10/18 - See ya later Joe

Man, Idek how to start this. Maybe I can rewind from first hearing of this until the final goodbye/see ya later. Also so I don't forget, the burial date was 10/26. When I first learned of everything that happened, it was via facebook. I was added to a group named "Pray for joe" by Kevin. I was like oh fuck wth is this, and then I read the post. That shit had me shook. After some poking around, I found some articles and with your car attached. I was fucking devastated but also glad that you were able to be rescued. It was tough to read and hear about. I knew I needed to visit at some point. Luckily, I was in VA in jan since lizzy had a work trip and I tagged along. You wont believe it, but I finally committed to my first tattoo bro. I remember asking you about yours and how u handled the parents and you encouraged me to just do it, and rip the band aid off. I did exactly that. During the trip, I planned to come up to MD with lizzy and coordinated with Adrian so we can all go see you. We visited greg, but very briefly due to covid. We didn't want to risk having it and spreading it to ya while u were in a coma. Man... When we got to the hospital, It was hard. Prepping to see ya mentally man... like no one wants to see their homie in such a bad state. We saw you man, and id like to think you knew we were there. We saw a tear drop come out and roll down your cheek. It was good to know/think that you felt our presence but at the same time it was also very hard and sad man. It hurt is a good way to put it I guess. After that, we went to Sō and met up with Bambao for dinner. ---

Eventually, you were xported to GA for treatment. We were all rooting so hard for you man, trying to keep tabs on progress as soon as your sis posted it. I had very high hopes. Nerissa and other friends would txt/FT me to see ya and say hi. I remember one time when she did, as soon as you saw me and lizzy on the cam, you immediately cried. We were glad to see that you still remember us. I eventually talked to your sis and wanted to plan on visiting you during my trip back to VA for xmas.

---

10 months later from the crash, (I think crash was on 12/16 or 17), I see on FB that kevin posted an update. This was an update that I did not want to see. It was heavy bro. At the time, I was in class for a cert at work. It was so so hard to stay focused bc all I could think about was the heavy news. I was in shock and disbelief that this is real and would happen. I talk to cody, adrian, and Kevin about it and mostly just in big shock across everyone. I ask for updates from Kevin and later he texts me that you're gone and no longer in pain. That fucking broke me man. The, emotions, and tears would come in waves. Eventually we were all informed of the service and burial date. We started planning to come back to see ya off. Im going to mix in some personal journal/blog/recounting of things I did leading up to the big day. Weds night, we got in and tori came to pick us up. We got cookout and then headed to bed. Next day, LIDL run, love lidl man. The cookies and pastries are crack. Worked a bit/had class, and then in evening, I went to ronnies for a workout session. Hung out with him and nikki after and caught up a bit.

Fri: Did some light work/studying in the morning, and then coffee with swag girl. We walked the boardwalk after and that was nice. We went home, got ready, and then drove to the visitation. Lizzy and I opened the wrong door so we went around and sat ourselves behind devin, and Kevin. Looking around the room, everyone had the puffy eye look from you know, crying. After some words were said, it was time for visitation and your dad went around to ask the friends to say a few words. I think he mainly looked to the homies that he saw frequently during this past 10 months. I think I would've gone up but I didn't know what to say, and most of what was being said was exactly what I would've probably said too. It was so hard to sit and listen to because no one would ever think we'd have to do this for a friend at such a young age. I think the most memorable speech was the one from your cousin. It gave me the impression that you would invite him out to things but he didn't come? All in all, the big takeaway from that that stuck with me is: say yes, accept things, and do things even if you're not up for it. He worded it better, but it kinda is like similar to what I have on my main tumblr: "Live everyday like its your last." So kind of like accept invites, do things, create memories, etc. Its funny, a lot of our friends ended the speech with "its not a good bye but see ya later." It sucks though bc the see ya later wont be until like 60-70 or so years from now. I'm sure you'll come visit in our dreams and shit, but physically... that's a bit different now. I'm glad I went to see, and hear everyone. I'm glad I got to spend a second at your casket, as I felt like Saturday I wouldn't get the chance. So many ppl came out for you on Friday bro. It was amazing to see and I was shocked too. After that, the church mass began. Lizzy and I headed back so we can meet w/ becca. We ate at sakura and then had the fire + smores going after. I had a bento box, it was good, definitely stuffed me as I couldn't finish. After, all headed to bed as the big day was early. Sat comes and we pull up. Park, and brando parks in front of us. We all walk in together. Crazy to see so many familiar faces. Its been years. So many people came out for you dude, it was amazing. You've touched so many lives bro. The whole church was packed and ppl were overflowing into the hall. After the service, we jumped into the car to head to the burial site. Everything was happening so fast. Next thing you know, we pull up, find the tent, and then it started. Mai walked around trying to find some homies to help carry ya to the site. I jumped in. I'm so grateful Mai did that bc I think it means a lot to be a part of carrying your friend to where they're laying to rest. There were words that were said by the pastor, someone sang a viet song bro, and then your dad spoke. That shit was so hard, I can hear the pain in his voice. Same with your mom and sister from the previous day. That shit hit home because I know my dad would be the same. To see, and hear, the pain their going thru, it was heartbreaking. When it was over, we were handed flowers so we can all throw one into the hole :/ This was the farewell. This was so incredibly hard and sad man. After it was done, your mom stayed a bit bawling and speaking to you. It was such a sad sight. She is hurting so much man. We all stayed around too, we watched em close it up and such.

We popped over to your sisters place after to say hi, have some food and such. Man, the last time I was there, it was for your PTA grad man. It was weird bc you weren't there this time. I had my fave, the verm joint with the nuoc mam. The slideshow was so hard to watch. Eventually, we all took pics, and did a vcu one too. At this point, we were prepping to head out. I find your parents to say the "my condolences" thing but in viet. Your dad asked where I was coming from, I told him Chicago. He was like I'm from there, you were born there! Like he was excited and happy to tell me that. It was hard. I gave him and your mom a hug, it was incredibly hard. They're in pain man. I hugged your sis goodbye too and thank her for having us. She was offering us grapes and wouldn't take no for an answer lol. She used ya and said joe would want you to have this. We couldn't turn that down lol. They were incredibly good grapes too. We drove back to Lizzy's dads place. We had to make a pit stop for some ice cream and I think just some time to breathe for a second. I forgot the name of the place, but it was delish. Prob one of the best ice creams I've had. It was a bday cake type ice cream, but man it was like stringy when I pulled the spoon out. Idk how to describe it, but fuck, it fucked. We eventually made it to her dads, hung out, had some pizza and had the fire going. After that, we headed to ronnies to celebrate you and his bday. Its kinda crazy, the celebration on both spectrums. Born day and die day. Also, the uber driver there was a viet dude lol. Super chill guy.

At ronnies, it was jessie, katrina, sarah, luke, andy, danica, nikki, lizzy and I. It was the perfect amount of people. Not too overwhelming, and not like a college rager we use to throw. It was nice to catch up with everyone. We all sat around a table, telling stories, talking, drinking, and eating. Eventually, we did some karaoke-ing. Also, before we went to ronnies, lizzys dad sent us off w/ a box of sparklers and saying everyone would enjoy it. I was like psssh in my head cause tf we gonna do with sparklers lol. Turns out, everyone loved it and we went thru the whole box. At a point when it all died down, we all circled around the fire pit, just looking at the flames. It was quiet. It was weird. But I think we were all on the same page. The reality of it all settling in. We all headed back inside after ronnie extinguished it, and said hi to momo. Called an uber back since it was about that time to go. It was fun, great to see em, and this would've been exactly what you would've wanted and probably have done too.

Sun: Wake up, got ready for brunch, and then went to have brunch at this place on the water. It was nice but yeah idk.. too much after everything. Went home and got ready for a hike. Hiked a bit at first landing and then went home to pack and help lizzy cook dinner. On the menu was gumbo. We used okra that her dad grew, tori came over, it was chill. Her dad was hovering a bit, but what can ya do. Hes gonna do what he does I guess lol. After food, lizzy was ready to knock but her dad wouldn't take no for an answer so we stayed up a bit playing pictionary. Was fun but I was definitely ready to just knock and be in a bubble.

Mon: we flew home back to chicago, and then had some la boulangerie for lunch.

Just like that, the few days in VA and the big day was over.. Its weird, our lives will physically go on, but you wont be with us physically. I guess with that, that concludes my I guess recap of the days. Now to my thoughts and shit.. Yeah, its just weird. All of us will just continue and get back into the groove of things. Its weird bc I look around, and everyone's going about their shit, Halloween, trick or treating, etc. atm, Im mad, sad, and angry. It all comes in waves, and I guess that's just the process of grieving? Im happy/relieved that you are no longer in pain and suffering. I think from some pics in Atlanta, it felt like you were kinda saying, yo get me outta here. but you couldn't, you were stuck, trapped, in a body that was basically not yours or your home like that anymore. I know vickie shared with me that when it came to it, you'd want DNR and I'm glad that there is no longer any pain and suffering. Im angry bc of no closure and not knowing what really happened. If what happened happened, it makes me mad and sad at the same time. I understand, but yeah, idk. Its hard to process. Like why you, why those choices, why are you robbed of so many years that were ahead of you? But yeah I think that's it on the feelings that I'm feeling at this moment. Now, I want to say thanks.

Thanks for all the great memories. We go way back, and my earliest memory with ya is us making fun of the girlie possie, and we had a little theta hand symbol we'd throw up in pics lol. We went thru a lot of shit together man and honestly, when the time came to marriage. I definitely wanted ya as my best man bro. Over the years, I felt as if it was hard to decide on who bc being so far away, we didn't keep in touch like that. I was thinking maybe everyone would be a best man lmao. Its just so much to have it all fall on one person (speaking from experience).

Also, I always knew u care about the homies, but to hear lizzy and my sister tell me that u threw down or were ready to throw down bail money for me when I was at my lowest, that shit meant a lot to me. I don't think I ever had a chance to properly say thanks. I think so much was running thru my head after getting out that it was hard to take a step back and do so. Im glad we all went on the Chicago trip together. I don't think id be here today without that trip. Im glad you were open to trying new things, seeing new things, experiencing new things. I know you were mainly a hip hop head but you opened up to EDM, my interests, our friends interests, and you fucking went to moonrise with us man. Like its hard to do things like that and be out of your comfort zone, but you did it bro. You opened up to the idea of mushies and taking it on our hike with me. Things like that, I think is what I will try to carry with me and have your legacy live on. Being open to new things, kind to everyone, and just being an overall great person. Theres like no one I can think of that embodies that the way you do.

Also, you know whats crazy? When I look thru my photos, id say out of all the homies, I have pics and vids with you the most. Thats nuts. Lifes not going to be the same without you here man but I know you're around watching over us. Hell, we saw a ladybug during apple picking, and a bunch of times before and after the trip back home. I'll take that as a sign that you're around and were visiting us. But yeah man, I'm glad I had the honor of crossing paths with you in this lifetime, being homies, living together, and all of the experiences we shared. Everything id say are like core memories that I will carry with me forever. Thanks again, I'll have to catch ya up on everything when I see you next time. Until then, please watch over us. Enjoy some great food for us and we'll try to do the same too.

Love you brother. Summmmaaaaah!

Ps. crazy to think, idt ill be hearing swagboi as much anymore as you were the one that still calls me that out of our friend group. The others do, but not as much as you do lol

[girlwithnomemory1563]

yo what the fuck

im so happy i have no memory and i didnt even want to write this here but jesus christ i have Got to let this out into the world.

idk if i ever discussed a hunk of a coworker i work with on here, but long story short we fucked and this pussy made him fall in love. so we started dating. this son of a bitch.

a little into the relationship, he gets a text from his ex asking to hook up. now i knew about this heffer and her effects on this man, so you know i started shaking a little. not too much, bc i still had faith in my man, but i did have a little quiver in my tone.

this son of a bitch tells me that he responded to her but was all like "eww youre disgusting to ever think that i'd do that". period. my man my man. he lied! i asked him that night and was like "did you think about it" because lets be honest, we all know you did, i just want to know if you'll tell me that. he said no and he lied! he didnt even tell me he lied about this until the next day so im like "oh wow.." you know? bc wtf are you supposed to do, end it there? nah i gotta see this out now. im bored!

i really should've minded my own business. we keep talking bc we still fucking work together and we're all like "yeah we're gonna get through this" and all this other bullshit. and i'm like "okay if you text her again, like you reach out first, then im done." tell me why the Fuck he did that exact thing.

so now im in his face talking "all you do is lie, why tf would you do the one thing that would break us all the way up if you really fuck with me like you say you do" blah blah blah. and i still stay entertaining him!

so now i know this bitch is texting her. this causes strife in my mental because now i feel like im competing with a bitch thats already won. like shes already dated him, she was his first. im already not a competitive person so why tf am i going against a bitch thats already winning like. bc at this point we weren't even together fr. he kept saying he was claiming me but be so fucking fr. you cannot claim two girls at once.

so im like pulling away from him. we went from facetiming and seeing each other everyday to like maybe a few texts ya know. and he stays consistently saying that he does love me and hes just stupid and that im his best friend. so we go to a restaurant together. and im like, "are you still texting her? what do y'all even talk about?" and this motherfucker goes "im not even gonna tell you, its just gonna hurt you". and this should've instantly made me jump out of the car but nah, im nonchalant fr. so im like "bro...thats the worst answer you could ever give."

i forgot to say. the night before this "date" or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, he had told me verbatim "SHES NOT AN ISSUE ANYMORE". why? bc she asked to hook up and he said no bc hes so loyal to me so they blocked each other. so i was instantly like "and what made her feel comfortable to strike up the question again?" bc im not stupid. despite all of my choices ive made, i am not stupid. i just do it for the plot unfortunately. which is why i asked what tf they were talking about again the next day at our "date".

ok lol sorry but yeah we get to dinner, im in this sour ass mood bc he wouldnt even play a song that i wanted on the way over here. now we're sitting in silence and im just like looking at him and he's hanging his head like a sorry ass dog. this fool finally just says "i told her i have feelings for her still. thats why she asked to hook up." when i tell you i laughed so fucking hard in his face dude. i wasn't even mad in the moment fr, i was just happy to know i was right like i always am. bc throughout this entire situation, i have been right and have been doubting myself on that shit.

so yeah we get out food togo (this shit happened before we even got the appetizers bro) and now he's crying in the car and im literally asking this man if i need to confirm my uber bc bitch im trying to get home and get tf out of ur face rn. but yeah he takes me home, refuses to leave so he spends the night and we talk and stuff. wrong decision LMAO. we end up fucking the night after and then i dont really keep engaging with him fr. like we texted but like i said, it wasn't nothing like how we used to be. and i see him at work and stuff.

that date night was like monday i believe so then we work together friday and saturday. friday night, we're fine. he asked me to come over after work but i stayed strong and did not. saturday, he asks me to come over so we can talk bc he feels like i hate him. i didn't hate him, but i needed to go over there and tell him that i cant keep doing this back and forth, so i agree. i should've brought a fucking bazooka dude.

i get over there, im high as fuck bc i was closing so what am i supposed to do, not hit my cart? and im not being serious at all lmaooo hes like trying to talk and i keep just staring at him bc only when im high do i feel like i truly love that man. then i finally lock in. and i ask him if hes been talking to her. he says yes. i ask about what? he says "just catching up." mind you, they've been catching up for 3-4 weeks now, so im instantly clocking the bullshit. and i'm like "bro be fr." and hes like "no it'll just hurt you" and at this point, im nearing crash out bc i can tell hes abt to confess something. like his lips were turning pale, his face was pale, im just waiting at this point. and im like "no fr tell me. if its gonna hurt me then i already know yall are doing more than catching up."

He looks me in my eyes, "I fucked her."

dude when i tell you my stomach dropped. but once again i just laugh bc i was right! im always right! i asked him when did this happen.

tell me why the FUCK he tells me they fucked last friday, the friday before he told me he blocked her bc she wanted to hook up and he said no bc hes so loyal. they fucked before he fucked me in the same bed. he fucked her before he told me that he could never have what we have with her and that he loves me and that im so gorgeous.

dude im like getting pissed writing this shit out again bc how the fuck are you ugly, fat, selfish and have horribly dry skin and you're fucking two bitches in the same week??? in the same bed?????? you fucked me in the same bed you fucked her??? and i know your disgusting dog ass didnt even wash the fucking sheets? i slept in the same bed she had her fucking pussy and asshole in?

so yeah i tried to leave after i like started shaking so bad bc i swear i was gonna hit him. but nah i had to go back and get my lick back. and actually im like embarrassed that i even showed my ass at all but like it had to be done bc even after he told me they fucked, he was like "are you still going to talk to me?" and i said "yep!" no i blocked him on everything.

that was saturday, we worked together sunday and got off at the same time and this fucking clown. i clocked out early but like kept chatting so i hadn't left the store yet. this fucker asks to leave early too, clocks out after me and runs out to his car. im like "lol whatever" and keep chatting and then leave. i walk out and hes just standing by his car looking emo as fuck. all i can do is laugh as i walk by to my car and even as i pulled out of the parking lot, that dumbass motherfucker was still standing outside of his car, watching me drive away. like he parked in front of the store so all of our coworkers saw that shit. thats so fucking embarrassing.

but yeah what the fuck. now i just gotta sit here and do my school work and act like nothing even happened. and every time i want to call him, i think of him being with her and i put that phone down!

so yeah stay safe y'all holy shit

[celestialpotat0]

Kick Off Summer '24

a few weekends ago ended up being a kickoff to summer in the best way possible.

worked til 10pm on Friday night, then left home at 11pm and drove out 2.5 hours friday to arrive at the hotel ~1:30am, then drove an additional 40 minutes saturday to get to the whitewater rafting launch spot. the sun scorched my skin like i was being grilled alive; the temperature PERFECT for jumping into the river.

i had actually not planned on going bc it was going to be rushed and the weekend would not be relaxing. but i ended up changing my mind and going -- i have to take advantage of what little time i have to do the things i love. spending time on the river is always worth it. i would pay a lot of money and drive far even for just a few precious hours of floating on the water away from any roads and cars and cell phones. feel so alive when youre experiencing something that you dont want to end and trying to soak it all in because you know it will have to end soon.

when i jumped into the river, we got to a certain point where the river current was the strongest that i'd ever been swimming in a river. i was not doing anything yet current was moving me pretty quickly downstream. i eventually had to swim back to the raft and swimming against the current felt so futile haha. ken, vinci, karyn, sally, and their guide all fell into the river at some point after hitting rocks. there was a moment when i nearly fell in as well after hitting a rock but lodging my foot into the raft deeper saved me from going overboard.

afterward i drove one hour to get to elk grove. drove through the winding, curvy, one-lane-each-way road surrounded by trees on either side, listening to rock music of the 90s and 2000s. the heat against my skin, wearing the same clothes i've worn driving for many a summer road trip, synthetic fabrics tank top and shorts and sandals, no makeup on, hair wet from river water and then dried, sunblock greased on. surrounded by nature on a narrow road, the heat magnified through the windows, music for entertainment, giving myself permission to take that day off--pure bliss. it must be in my dna to embrace hot weather, being a daughter of two people who were born and raised in south Vietnam, then being born in LA as the year was heating up and being scheduled PE class after lunch too many times and growing up walking around my hometown in the afternoons.

spent time at my cousin karyn's house that evening. i helped to chop veggies and prepare dinner while occasionally snacking on some spinach flatbread, samosa, and a little bit of white wine.

was rafting with audrey. i was 13 when my cousin's daughter (technically cousin-once-removed, but i prefer to call her a niece instead) audrey was born, and she is about to start her freshman year at Berkeley this fall. we also spent the day with her prom date and partner, jayden. he'll be attending college in a different part of the state than her. talking to her, it was impossible to not recall that time in my life having graduated high school and about to start undergrad, since she is currently experiencing that summer. that was a time that was so ripe with change and new experiences. i am so happy for her, for all of the joy and all of the transformation and the beauty that life has to offer her this year and the next few. and i hope that no matter what hurdles hurtle toward her, she will look back at her 18-year-old self when she's 32 and be grateful for how they helped her grow.

so i also have to trust that these tribulations that hurt me the most now are also helping to strengthen me. they give me an opportunity to prove my resilience. the bad helps me value even more the good.

it's been 10 years since i graduated undergrad and 14 years since i graduated high school.

well, fuck.

the youngest there was stanley and it made me sad to think how quickly he's going to grow up, how childhood is so ephemeral, and before i know it he wont be a child anymore, and how finite the number of times are that i'll get to interact w/ him as a child.

time flies and you'll never get to relive the past. but being sad at something ending is a blessing because it means you experienced something so beautiful. which proves that the good outweighs the bad.

the next day we walked through a lowrider block party and got tamales and aguas frescas. the 100-degree heat and the sun burned my flesh just the way i like it. we then went to the California State Railroad Museum.

after that weekend, summer has been consumed by work and never having 2 consecutive days off from work in the span of a month. but on the bright side, cash shmoney is nice and i enjoy the work itself and the living community.

"Your hard work is the dream of every unemployed person." -Someone wise

i have to keep telling myself this. not sure if it's healthful to convince myself of this or if im supposed to be fighting for better work-life balance. but we're gonna roll with it that persuading myself of the bright sides is the right thing to do.

[misledyouth222]

Over My Head (Better Off Dead) - Sum 41

I am a really bad friend. Unless someone’s in front of me all the time, my follow through is non-existent.

I met probably my bestest friend that I’ll have ever had in my entire life freshman year of high school. We hit it off right away - she was a friend of a friend, and we very quickly squashed the mutual friend and were basically inseparable. We had almost everything in common (my musical tastes leaned more hardcore and pop punk, hers more radio rock that was popular in the early 00s), shared the same insecurities. We were both introverts who stayed home all weekend and watched Invader Zim together in the phone.

We ended up dating another set of best friends junior year. I had a huge thing for mine for the entire year before, and during the summer started hanging out more and things fell into place. His best friend went to a different school, and they became closer and things fell into place. That summer && the following months were a blast. The four of us did (almost) everything together. My parents with their strict af outlook on parenting, I did miss out on a lot when they would hang out just the three of them, but I was used to it, and always got the recap of the idiot things they did.

While me and my boyfriend broke up by Christmas, she and her boyfriend went strong af. We were all still friends though, I just wasn’t “his girlfriend anymore” (literally nothing else changed, I slept with him constantly for the next two years). We went on our senior beach trip together. The first time I got drunk off margaritas was with them, at her older brothers house who supplied us our supplies.

We graduated, and spent the summer hanging out. I was going one place - she was going another. She and her boyfriend came over the night before I left, and as much of a happy face as I put on, I was so sad to be leaving her behind.

Her mom passed around spring break. I had already planned a trip to go to the other coast with my ***~^stupid ab*s*ve boyfriend who cut me off from all my friends I went to college with~~^***, and knew I couldn’t make it. I was devastated I couldn’t be there for her, but there was no way to cancel this stupid fucking trip without a huge blowout argument, full of threats that I’d be all by myself without him (bc he drove all of my friends off).

Things weren’t the same after that. I didn’t have a car, so that summer was spent in my childhood bedroom, talking to no one bc I had no one left. I didn’t know how to talk to her again without feeling a huge load of guilt on my shoulders, and she didn’t call. We kept up through social media, but never really hung out again.

She got married to her high school sweetheart on their 10th anniversary, in the summer. I hadn’t seen them in so long, and had just finally rid my life of the ^**~~fkface!**~, and was determined to make this friendship work again. I was an adult. I had a car. They didn’t live that far away.

I didn’t talk to her again until our very lame (I cannot believe I even went to this goddamn thing) 10 year high school reunion. She texted me, asking if I was going (of course we still had the same numbers from high school), and I told her I was on the fence but would if she did. We went, it was the lamest thing I’ve ever participated in. They met my now husband, and really liked him. We reminisced about high school, like the time we played strip poker on vacation, and the time her husband gave us a fashion show in some skirt he found lying around the house. We promised to keep in better touch. She went home, I went home.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I haven’t talked to her since, it’s almost been another 10 years. We keep up on social media still - she’s a nurse now, and looks so happy with her nurse friends and they go on fun, adult adventures like baby showers and bridal things. I go on juvenile adventures with my husband and right here friends, and we double-tap each other’s posts.

My best friend in the world is a stranger now. I was convinced that we’d be friends 4eva, be each other’s maids of honor at our weddings, act stupid and do stupid shit together until we were old and gray and senile.

I know that I can reach out, god knows she’s still got the same number from high school (as do I). But I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness, because I didn’t keep my end of the bargain up. Sure, she didn’t either, but in a way it was my turn to start again, throw the feelers out, reach out more. It was me who said, and I quote, “I fucking miss you, let’s do this more often, not under the guise of a lame ass high school reunion.”

I don’t know if she misses my friendship as much as I do. Probably not, as most normal folks move on with their lives, and I have the said trait I inherited from my mother of constantly thinking over the past, wondering what would have happened if this went this way, or that went that way. I wish this was the only example of my shitty friend-ness, but it’s more of a beginning of a sad road of scorched earth I’ve left behind.

If she texted me tomorrow, I’d be there in a goddamn heartbeat. ❣️

(I had to edit the fuck outta this entry. I did not know my life was so ~*ScAnDaLoUs*~)